Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure