Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’