You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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Hotels are back
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I saw a TV for sale for only 拢1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
somebody come look at this
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
bad
worse
worst
worchester
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn鈥檛 come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My kids didn鈥檛 follow me into the bathroom so now I鈥檓 scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don鈥檛.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don鈥檛.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…