I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.