friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
This makes total sense…
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet