add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Lol.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.