Why is everyone getting married at me
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
😜
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled