Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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Sending in my taxes
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Breaking news:
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]