I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.