You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
A short story of betrayal:
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
a god among men
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour