why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.