Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
What my back needs
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich