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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
this is how life feels
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now