“just sayin” who asked you though?
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.