One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
i did the math
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws