When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”