In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?