Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”