When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.