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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections