Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If I鈥檝e learned anything from children it鈥檚 that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I鈥檒l get my leash
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What鈥檚 the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
Wonder why we didn鈥檛 get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually