Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
You Might Also Like
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”