The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You Might Also Like
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just got to our Airbnb!
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
We all have our pet causes.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.