*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
uncle dave has been through hell
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers