Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
You Might Also Like
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that