i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Friends that check up on you >
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else