Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee