Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge