Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon