wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV