what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it