Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
You can’t rush stupid.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.