Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL