“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Guantanamo Bae
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir