[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.