When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.