Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You Might Also Like
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Autocarrot sucks!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.