God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs