me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
looks legit
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp