A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*