My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I wish I were this cool 😂
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”