GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.