My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
hi why am I like this
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
opening twitter today
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.