I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.