whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?