“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.