My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Oceanography is all about current events
Morning.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”