Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: