Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.