*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
HR said no more nunchucks.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.